When ladyboys call…
by dwb
At 7:04am my phone rang just about the time where I was nodding off to sleep. It was Thailand’s infamous ladyboy Amy Amour.
Me: This had better be good or someone better be dead, it’s 7am.
Amy: Mr. Dee, what do you do now?
Me: Sleep!!!
Amy: Ok, good. You can come to take my photo now?
Me: You smoking yaabaa?
Amy: No Mr Dee, why you ting-tong so much? I no sa-moke yaabaa.
Me: Mmm hmmm.
Amy: So you take my photo or not? Today I have good heart and I give you for free.
Me: Where do you want to meet?
Amy: The gay beach in Jomtien.
Me: Hmmmm. OK, See you in 30 minutes. You better be there.
I hang up the phone and grab my travel camera. I have this nice Canon Powershot that can take some really nice shots and it’s small and easy to travel with so I take it everywhere with me. So out the door I went.
We met at the “gay beach” (Dongtan Beach) as the sun hit about 200 degrees. I shot a handful of photos of her, and it wasn’t long before she had to squint so I called it a wrap. I explained to her that it would be est if she called me next time BEFORE the sun came up so we can work while it’s cool and the sun is giving off that warm morning glow.
What happened next is still a bit of a blur, but we ended up at a water park. No, a real water park, she did not piss on me, nor I her. A Thai water park is much like the water parks around the rest of the world except they don’t care about the safety of their customers. You can ride the speed slides with people on your back, which we did and she rode me like a surf board. You can attempt to stand up as you fly down the super slide, which we did not do but plenty of the Thai boys did and busted their ass along the way.
Face first, ass first, upside down, and with a topless ladyboy on your back… all is fair game in the land of smiles and chlorine filled water.
Lat me back up a minute and tell you that I last about 5 minutes at this place before injury #1 occurred. She ushered me up to the largest speed slide and demanded that I went first. “You da man, you go first!” I told her. She found that amusing, but pushed me along and somehow I ended up sitting at the top of this shoot looking down into the shallow waters below, where I would soon end up. The thing that worried me the most, besides my size and weight, is that everyone in the water below was only waist deep.
Somehow, I am supposed to come down this slide into waist deep water and not end up a cripple. I’ve done much worse and dangerous things in my life, so off I went.
About 5 seconds into this slide I was struck my fear. I was going waaaaay too fast. The water is going to be too shallow for my fat ass and I’m going to get hurt, there is no question about it. The logical thing to do was to stick my hands to the edges of the fiberglass slide and try to slow myself down.
Dumb idea.
What I actually did was seriously burn, as in major friction burn, 6 of my 10 fingers. This did not actually slow me down but I was going so fast I did not feel the burn at the time.
I hit the water and to my surprise skipped across it and walked out of the pool, at which time my fingers felt like they were being mashed onto a grill. I sucked it up because I did not want to look like a tourist pussy, and headed back up to go one a much smaller and curvy slide where I was to become a human surf board for a transsexual and two small Russian boys who were also allowed, not by me, to mount my body just before I shoved off.
I’m sure it was quite a site. Me, the chunky American, a small transsexual, and two Russian kids about 10 years old each, were speeding down this slide screaming like little girls. For a moment, it was fun. However, the fun didn’t last long and after a few more body surfing trips, I got a wild hair up my ass to go face first, superman style, down the biggest speed slide.
I don’t know exactly how fast I was going but it had to be near the speed of light. I think the shove off is what made it worse because when I hit the first “hump,” I caught air and traveled about 10 feet in the air before having the wind knocked out of my body as I hit, only to pick up more speed. At this stage, it would be normal to shit your pants, but as I found out, humans are unable to shit themselves while traveling the speed of light. Who knew?
What happened next is a little fuzzy, but I do remember hitting the water so fast and going under water. My trunks started to pull off my body because of the speed in which I hit the water. I could feel them slipping off as I was darting underwater and with my hands, I reached out like Christopher Reeves in his finest Hollywood hour.
At this point I could have let them slip off as I’m sure it was not the first time this has happened coming off of this bullet side, and for certain it would not be the first time my pants had fallen off somewhere foreign.
I don’t know where in my mind I thought I could just hunch over and pull up my shorts, but when I made even the slightest tilt of my head, I shot straight down and smashed my head in the shallow water while traveling at a speed that should have killed me or at least broke my neck, in true Superman style. It felt like someone hit me in the head with a large hammer, then I blacked out for a few seconds and came to on my back floating in the water.
My head was spinning, and I didn’t realize how hurt I was, but the little persistent tranny got me up for one more surf ride before I drove her on my moped to her friends house (another hot ladyboy) where they played with Barbie Dolls and made me watch the Victoria Secret DVD while they acted it out. It was a strange afternoon.
After chilling out for a while I knew I needed to have my head looked at as the throbbing was becoming more intense. I knew this feeling well from years of skateboarding as a kid and falling on my head. I spent the next couple hours at the Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital where they checked me out and around 1pm, they confirmed my thoughts of a mild concussion.
It had been a glorious morning but it did not come without injury to my fingers, neck, head, left shoulder, left ear and skin. Oh yea, I think I forgot to mention that my head and face are burnt to a crisp.
If there is a moral to this story, I think it has something to do about not answering your phone at 7am when you are called out of the blue, by a ladyboy.
Hell is…